I'm Just Not That Into You

You know what really honks me off? When guys try to give me unsolicited relationship advice. I'm sure it sounds like a very unlikely problem to have, but that just proves you know nothing about my life. Because I get a lot of unsolicited relationship advice from guys. A lot.

I first noticed the problem a few months ago, while talking to a guy I had known for roughly 10 minutes. We were going to be working together, so we were chatting and trying to establish a rapport. And then this happened...

ME: It's hard to meet people, though. There aren't that many good guys out there!

HIM: Yes there are! You're just too picky, that's your problem. You have guys falling all over themselves trying to get with you, and you reject them because they're too this or too that. All your dating problems would be solved if you'd just give them a chance!

ME: (stunned silence)

I'd like to stress that I'd known this guy for 10 minutes. Literally. And in that 600 fleeting seconds, not one guy had interrupted us to throw himself at my feet, nor had there been a single instance of me waving my hand dismissively at a perfectly good prospect while yelling "BLECH! Get him out of my sight!" So I will be forever baffled by this perfect stranger's ability to get to the root of a years-old problem in a matter of seconds and with no evidence to support his position whatsoever.

Except of course that I'm not baffled at all. Because he was doing what all guys seem to be doing: projecting their relationship issues and every rejection they've ever suffered onto me. There are women all over the world walking around without a care in the world while I listen to the charges against them being read over and over. It's the same reason I've been told I should give fat guys, old guys, smokers, convicted felons, frat boys, guys 10 years my junior, divorcés, and Republicans a chance: because invariably, the guy doling out these pearls of wisdom is (or perceives himself to be): fat, old, a smoker, a convicted felon, a frat guy, 10 years younger than me, divorced, or a Republican. And that's fine. But he has to understand that him thinking he knows why I'm not interested is not the same as him knowing why I'm not interested. For example:

Let's say there's a guy who's overweight, watches Jersey Shore, collects football jerseys, and listens to Jason Mraz. And he says I should "give fat guys a chance". Fine, maybe I should. For all he knows, maybe I do. But I can think of three other Very Good Reasons not to date this particular guy, and his extemporaneous persuasive speech on Why I Should Sleep With Him has failed to address any of them. Naturally, he will walk away thinking I am biased against overweight people. And if that helps him cope with the rejection, that's fair enough. But I'll tell you this much: excess weight can be lost. Jersey Shore is forever.

Why is it not OK that I'm just not interested? I've certainly had my share of rejections, and 100% of them have been related, on some level, to the guy simply not being interested. That's not fun or pleasant, and sure it hurts, but it's a sufficient excuse. I don't have to make it into a deep psychological issue on his end. And I certainly don't go up to every subsequent guy that turns my head saying, "You know what your problem is? You reject a girl even if she's only been charged with prostitution once, and even if the charges were dropped on the grounds of entrapment!"

The thing is, attraction is a very inexact science. In my case, I find that if I look at a guy and say, "Wow. That is a WEIRD-looking dude," I can safely estimate that I'll have a crush on him within a week. I don't know why. And yes, "nice guys" of the world, it is entirely true that just being a nice guy is not enough to get you a date. But as a public service, I'll also let you in on a little secret: the more you use the phrase "nice guy" to describe yourself, the more suspicious women become that you are in fact NOT a nice guy at all, but rather a very very bitter guy who feels that you are entitled to the undying love of a supermodel on the grounds of your "nice"-ness. It has not escaped my notice that most guys who list themselves as such on dating sites also have the same ridiculous list of "What I'm Looking For" requirements as their presumably less-nice counterparts: Slender, at least 8 years younger than they are, never married, no kids, preferably blonde, etc. Call me crazy, but I'd bet that he just eliminated an awful lot of "nice girls" in one fell swoop.

And that's the thing, guys-who-want-to-give-me-unnecessarily-aggressive-dating-advice: you've probably been guilty of passing over someone for a superficial reason at some point. We've all done it, we've all been the victim of it, and we've all continued to do it anyway. It's not you, it's me. No wait - it's not me, it's you. No wait, it's not you or me; it's just that I don't like you like that. Move on.