The Kwerky Guide to...Facebook!

-Or: "How to be my Facebook friend without pissing me off"-

Facebook pisses me off. I used to think it was only ex-boyfriends and completely deranged acquaintances who had this power, but lately it seems like everyone is finding new and innovative ways to make me wish there was a "Slap Silly" button right under "Poke". So here's a helpful, friendly little FAQ for anyone who might NOT want to piss me off on Facebook (trust me: this includes you).

#1: Saying "Love it!" or "Love you!" after everything you put on Facebook doesn't make you seem any more approachable/friendly/cheerful/whatever. It just tells the whole world that you really want us to think you're approachable/friendly/cheerful/whatever, and you're probably only concerned about it because you're such a bitch. Just be honest.
WRONG WAY:
You guys! Look at the adorable picture a child drew of me! You know, I believe the children are our future, and I totally think it's awesome that I get to see myself through her eyes. Love it!

RIGHT WAY:

Check out this random scribbling some little brat drew and tried to pass off as a likeness of MOI! She WISHES I was a big fat bug-eyed freak like this picture so I wouldn't draw so much business away from her momma's corner! THAT'S RIGHT YOU HEARD ME BITCH!

WRONG WAY: 

Today at lunch, my friend Cindy told me what a skeez and a jerk my boyfriend is. I was really upset about it at the time, but I realize now how lucky I am to have friends like her looking out for me. Thank you, Cindy! Love you!

RIGHT WAY:

How about I went to Quizno's with Cindy today and she had the nerve to try and tell me Richard is cheating on me? I straight up threw my broccoli cheese soup in her face. FUCK YOU, CINDY!

#2: Even Jesus has limits. When you post a still photo of your topless feature role in "Lenny Landscaper Trims A Hedge", don't follow it with some BS status update about how grateful you are that God has blessed you with such a wonderful career. Don't drag God into this. That was all your agent: Lenny. The "landscaper".

#3. Have you lost a ton of weight lately? No one cares.

WRONG: 

Check out my new profile pic! All those salads and early morning runs really paid off :)

WRONG:

Yeah! Only 5 more pounds to my goal weight! Bikini here I come!

WRONG:

I can't believe I got up at 4am for a spin class! And yet I feel wonderful!

WRONG:

I'm doing my first triathlon this weekend! CAN'T. WAIT!

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!:

I cannot believe the crap people put in their bodies. I feel SO much better since I started eating clean. All the pizza and candy and junk people eat is just killing them, weather* they know it or not.

*You may have lost weight, but you still can't write for crap.

RIGHT:

Anna checked in at Joe Bob's House of Ribs 'n Deep Fried Everything Else

RIGHT: 

Check out my new profile pic of me winning a pie eating contest! 

SUPER HELLA RIGHT:

Turn on channel 3! They're going to do a live feed of the helicopter airlifting me from my bedroom to the hospital!

#4. Unless you yourself are a baby, your profile picture should not be an image of a baby. Period. 

#5. It's OK if your profile picture is a cat, provided it is your cat's actual birthday.

#6. If you're married and/or hopelessly in love, we are all happy for you. But if you have to post to your spouse's page every hour or so just to say "I love you" or "You're the best" or "Don't forget to buy mayonnaise!", then the rest of us will assume that your spouse has refused to give you his/her personal cell phone number, since that's the mode of communication you SHOULD use for shit like that. And if you don't have their cell phone number, then the relationship is clearly in the toilet, and we're going to start sending your spouse consolation hookers at work every day until you cut it the fuck out. Really HOT consolation hookers. They are going to console the hell out of your spouse. 

#7. If you have any co-workers as Facebook friends, either filter your posts carefully or just don't post the pics from your week at the S&M Expo. In fact, you know what? Let's just automatically go with the latter option across the board. NO S&M PICTURES. I can't un-see that.

By religiously following these seven easy rules, you can ensure that I don't show up at the next Event you're attending ("Mr. Snuggles' Kitten Cuddle Party" - YES, OTHER PEOPLE CAN SEE THAT) with a tennis ball, a sock, and the worst of intentions. You're welcome.