10 Ways Triathletes are Like Gnats

1. There are, like, a billion of them all of a sudden.

2. From the Wikipedia entry on the “black fly” species of gnat: “[Their s]warming behavior can make outdoor activities unpleasant or intolerable.” Exactly.

3. They make irritating noises. With gnats, it’s a “bzzzzzz” sound. With triathletes, it’s the incessant sound of them retelling the story of the time they almost “hit the wall” but then drank some chemical sludge out of a pouch, lost control of their bowels, saw God, and ultimately finished in just under 59 hours.

4. They have special “cutting teeth” in their mandibles that they use to rip your skin open. 

5. They are often found near bodies of water.

6. They won’t shut up about their combination watch/heart rate monitor/GPS. Wait - am I thinking of gnats? I might have that wrong. Sorry; that was totally unfair to gnats.

7. Nine times out of 10, physical contact with them will give you a weird itch.

8. They always move really fast so it’s hard to hit them with your hands and fists.

9. If they get inside your house, the only way to get rid of them is to cut off their food supply.

10. They can ruin your whole night if they manage to get into your bed.