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Wildly Exaggerated: Horse Racing and Cricket-Skewering

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Horse Racing and Cricket-Skewering

Yesterday I attended a big extended-family combination baby shower/Mother's Day/eat til you vomit celebration at my aunt's house in Suwanee. If you've never heard of Suwanee, you don't need to. The only reason it's relevant is because there was a horse in the Kentucky Derby WHO CAME FROM SUWANEE, Y'ALL! It was huge news, if "huge" is understood to mean "I had literally no idea about it whatsoever until about 10 minutes before the race started". Anyway, the Derby coverage was playing on a muted television during the festivities.

Obviously, my status as a red-blooded American Woman is instantly revoked if I fail to squeal "OOOOO HORSIES!" every time I see anything remotely equine, so I was riveted to the TV. You can imagine my surprise the first time I saw the logo:
This is unfortunate on so many levels. First of all, I would like to invite Yum! Brands to bump their bean burrito price up to $0.99 and use the increased revenue to hire someone to redesign their logo, because wow. You shouldn't put your grandchildren in charge of your branding. Second of all, in case I did not make this clear in the sentence I just finished typing: Yum! Brands owns Taco Bell (among other fast food chains). Taco Bell just got through that whole "not using [enough] real beef" PR nightmare; do they really want to make their comeback in the public eye by way of a screen that basically seems to imply that the Kentucky Derby contenders look delicious? "The losers are coming to a tortilla near you!" Use your heads, people.
My Kwerky Girl Sports Report on the Derby is as follows:

  • Pants on Fire is the best racehorse name ever. 
  • Archarcharch is the worst name for anything ever. Whoever was trying to come up with the nastiest series of sounds in the English language, congratulations.
  • Per my grandma, "Uncle Frank says 'never bet on a grey horse'". I don't know who Uncle Frank is, but my grandma has never steered me wrong before. And sure enough, the grey one lost. 
  • I think Animal Kingdom won, but you should double-check that somewhere reputable, especially if you had money on it.
In other Derby-related advertising news, who the hell came up with the Dodge Ram "Outdoorsman" commercial? If you haven't seen it yet (and I don't advise that you do), the basic idea is as follows: Alpha Male Hunter Man is sleeping by his still-burning fire. He has no tent because he is an Alpha Male Hunter Man, and tents are for pussies. He went to sleep with his fire still burning because he doesn't give a shit if the entire forest burns down. HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS. --> There is something (a cricket?) chirping in the distance, and apparently his Alpha Male Hunter Man ears are so ridiculously sensitive that he cannot possibly sleep through such a ruckus. --> He walks to his hugenormous truck and retrieves a crossbow from a side compartment. He always has a crossbow with him, because arrows bring a much slower, more painful death than, say, a bullet. And if the animal doesn't suffer, it doesn't count. --> He fires an arrow off into the darkness, seemingly at random. The chirping sound goes silent. --> He lays back down to sleep...and the chirping starts up again. 

It's basically a modern reimagining of "The Princess and the Pea", if the princess had an AK-47 and indiscriminately sprayed the mattresses with bullets. The message this ad sends is: "Are you such a whiny little girl that you can't sleep when crickets chirp? Do you go out into the woods anyway and then feel like you have more right to be there than the crickets? Do you solve all of your problems, no matter how small, with random, aimless violence? Then buddy, HAVE WE GOT A TRUCK FOR YOU!!!!"

I hope it has a fire extinguisher in the other side compartment.

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