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Wildly Exaggerated: I Don't Care What Color My Parachute Is

Friday, August 26, 2011

I Don't Care What Color My Parachute Is

I should start by pointing out that I'm not actually looking for a job; it's just that I had to update the resume my employer keeps on file. I have to be honest: I don't like resume-updation. The thing that I hate most about it is the thing I hate about all of Corporate America: it's freaking disingenuous. I made the necessary updates and submitted them as requested, but I figured while I was at it, I might as well write up the resume I'd really LIKE to use...

Kimberly Welsh
[Address Withheld - How Dumb Do I Look?]
[Don't Answer That]
OBJECTIVE: To be a size 6 blonde lottery winner who lands herself an Englishman for a husband, subsequently moves to London and shrinks to a size 4 despite eating nothing but fried pub food and doing nothing but watching TV, reading, and occasionally winning pub quizzes with my team "Quiz In My Pants".
Blah blah blah outstanding performance in the study of various of the liberal arts 
You don't care; it isn't an MBA. NEXT!
As a teacher, I didn't "monetize" anything or "manage" anybody or "optimize corporate strategy in line with future-state goals" or "maximize profits in a difficult economic climate". I just "crammed the better part of an entire foreign language into the heads of hungover 20-somethings, often against their will". Nothing challenging or difficult about that - it certainly didn't require that I work independently, think creatively, multitask, develop good public speaking skills (IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE), think on my feet, establish detailed plans, handle delicate interpersonal situations or draft communications. Nope! I was just another one of them overpaid teachers that bleed our country dry while eating bonbons and watching Netflix on a computer you bought with your tax dollars!
Background Actor in a Lifetime Original Movie - 1998
Other work experience includes making hella awesome coffee and fielding various forms of unwanted advances as an administrative worker.
- Can spit a pretty decent rap, given a good beat
- Actually understands how computers work
- Has remembered to feed cat for 4 consecutive years *and counting*
- Does a passable generic middle class English accent
SALARY REQUIREMENTS: I will accept a position with a monthly salary of $500,000. For $750k (still per month), I'll stop screwing around on Twitter and do something work-related.

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