Ring Ring! It's Pour Vous!

Hi there! How are you? I'm phoning it in, so you know I'm having fun! What what!

*Thoughtful PSA face* You know, a few weeks ago, for reasons too dull to mention, I was compelled to give up alcohol. Not permanently, but definitely for the next little while. I've been surprised at how many people express profound sympathy to me upon hearing this news - like I've lost a close friend or something. I just ordered a Diet Coke instead of a margarita, people. Calm the hell down.

Anyway, it got me thinking of all the things in my life that have improved since I ditched the booze. Sure, I effectively avoid hangovers and that weird, spongey, dry-lip feeling, but that's not all! I also always know where my clothes/phone/keys/remote control are in the morning! I've saved a bundle! I have more room in my fridge! But I think my favorite thing is that I never, ever have to write a day-after apology. You know, the one that goes a little something like this...

About Last Night.
If I...
...insulted you
...pointedly ignored you
...would NOT stop touching you
...told you all of my secrets
...told one of your secrets
...spilled your drink
...called you after midnight
...sent you a series of unintelligible emails
...texted you a Big Lebowski quote

Then...
...I'm sorry.
...you're better off, trust me.
...it's your own fault for wearing such a soft shirt.
...mum's the word!
...she's lying; I did NOT tell her that.
...you didn't need it.
...sorry!
...be grateful they were unintelligible. "zht os nw hot we get our story fea=tured pj P[hra." is better than what I meant to say.
..."This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!"

Just sayin'.