FML

Hey you guys! Did you miss me? I missed you SOOOOOOO much. Let's never fight again, OK?

My week was complete insanity from start to finish, which is increasingly becoming the norm. Improv shows, self-defense classes (highly recommended for *anyone* who tries online dating), peripheral drama and the discovery that Black Books is on Hulu+ meant there was no way I'd make it blog-ward. Of course, it wasn't all fun and games. There have definitely been some stressful moments. Some quick examples:

- I spent most of yesterday psyching myself up for a long night working at the theatre, only to get a phone call on my way there that pretty much ruined my evening. Awesome.
- I have been looking forward to today all week long because I get to telecommute on Fridays and frankly, I NEEDED to do laundry. So naturally, something had gone squirrelly with the computers at work, and it took me an hour, two 5-year old documents, a phone call and an email to sort that out. Yay Friday </sarcasm>
- I broke a nail last night.

FML, YOU GUYS!!!!


Which brings me to the point of this post: I am pretty much done with people who use "FML". You'll note that every single problem I listed above was very minor. I mean, let's look at it another way:
- I spent most of yesterday psyching myself up for a long night (read: nearly FOUR WHOLE HOURS) of working at the [air-conditioned] theatre [with a bunch of cool people *while* watching an improv show for free], only to get a phone call [you know, on my totally awesome iPhone] on my way there [in my nearly-new car, also with air-conditioning and a functioning stereo] that pretty much ruined my evening [translation: I was really irritated for about 20 minutes, and even that was arguably by my own choice].
- Post-script on 2nd "problem": ...and now that is completely resolved and I managed to get into the network so I can work, and it's not even 9am yet so I have PLENTY of time to do laundry, clean up, etc. In fact, I literally have the next 3 days to do those things. So not really such a huge problem.
- I broke a nail last night. I am pretty irritated about that.

This is the problem with the "FML" phrase: there is never, ever a time when it's appropriate. If your life was really all that bad, you wouldn't have the electronic gadget (computer, iPhone, iPod, Blackberry, Droid, iPad,...) to type "FML" and tell everyone you've ever met how terrible everything is and how you totally hate your life and wish you were dead. And if something truly awful was happening, "FML" probably wouldn't express your feelings. Go to Somalia and see how many people walk up to you and say "everyone I know and love is slowly starving to death, there's a cholera epidemic, this drought looks like it may go on forever, and many of our surviving young people have resorted to violent piracy. FML, YOU GUYS!"

I hear you saying, "But Kimberly, nobody uses that phrase seriously! It's always meant to be sarcastic, as in your example above: 'I broke a nail - FML!' It's funny because we all know breaking a nail is not that big a deal!"

Well first of all, screw you, because I spent all week dealing with nail breaks and cracks. I had finally gotten all 10 fingers manicure-ready when this happened, so don't tell me what is and isn't a big deal, JERK! Second of all, I am sad to report that I know puh-len-ty of people who use FML and really, really mean it. Here's a quick sampling from the social medias:
"My back hurts. Again. FML."
"Traffic is AWFUL. FML."
"I ate 37 of Wild Wings' Atomic Wings, and my tummy is NOT happy. FML."
"I ran out of Diet Coke and the grocery store is already closed. FML."

And here's what I want to say [but am too nice to say] in response to each:
"Snap your fingers and wait for a morphine prescription to magically appear in your hand, as it always, always does here in the magical First World. Quit whining."
"Are you in a car? Does it have air conditioning? Are you entertaining yourself with the internet? I'm sorry you're going to be late for your dinner reservation at the 5-star steakhouse, but shut up."
"FAIL"
"WE GET IT. YOU HAVE AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH DIET COKE. YOU ARE DOING A PISS-POOR JOB OF PRETENDING YOU JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE IT. THEY NEED TO STOP PAYING YOU."

I'm not saying there aren't real problems in the First World. Cancer, HIV, violent crime, the loss of a loved one...terrible things DO happen to us. And if you believe in the relativity of despair, as I truly do, then emotional pain is not a competition, and human beings the world over feel the same depth of sadness, even if one group's problems are objectively bigger/more serious than another's. But my point is that when you are truly in that horribly dark place, you do not say "FML". (See Somalia example above.) You say "FML" when you want attention, and anyone who wants attention that badly has an addiction I refuse to feed.

And that is why, when I see it in your Facebook status, I hide you. When I see it in your Twitter timeline, I zip you (TweetCaster for the win!), and when I see it on your blog/in the text you sent, I ignore you.

If I were you, I wouldn't even have read this post.