Let's Just Get it Over With

You may have noticed that I keep referencing online dating, and that is because it is an endless font of inexplicable human behaviors that make me laugh. And that is because if I didn't laugh at them, they would make me cry.

I think the biggest problem I have right now is that my profile is basically blank. As a result, the only people who message me are people who just liked the picture or are literally writing to every woman on the site. I keep trying to fill in my profile, but...I mean, come on. This is what the form looks like:

• My Self-Summary
• What I'm Doing With My Life
• I'm Really Good At
• The first things people usually notice about me
• Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food
• The six things I could never do without
• I spend a lot of time thinking about
• On a typical Friday night I am
• The most private thing I'm willing to admit
• I'm looking for
• You should message me if

Is it me? That's too much information to demand all at once. I might as well just publish a thousand-page autobiography and have the inside back cover read: "If you got this far and didn't want to gouge your eyeballs out, call me". Anyway. I keep trying to fill the stupid thing in, and I can't. Because I just don't care anymore. Besides, if I'm going to take the time to answer that many personal questions, I won't have the stamina to maintain the false veneer of cheerfulness throughout. Something's gotta give. Which is why I decided that instead of filling that out, I'd just come here and tell you...

What I'd Like to Say in my Online Dating Profile

• My Self-Summary

*THIS PROFILE IS CERTIFIED FREE OF DUMB DOUBLE-ENTENDRES AND CHEEZY, FLIRTATIOUS PICKUP LINES.* I have yet to meet anyone who self-identifies as an "objectivist", "libertarian", or "foodie" who didn't make me want to claw their eyeballs out after talking to them for a minute and a half. I am a person. I have needs. They include, but are not limited to, M&Ms and silence. I'm sure you have needs too, but frankly I don't want to hear about it. First chance I get, I'm moving to the UK. So don't get too attached. Not that I was going to give you a chance to. 

• What I'm Doing With My Life

PISS OFF! What are you doing with YOUR life, jerkface?  

• I'm Really Good At

Grilled cheese sandwiches, consumption of

Pointedly ignoring small children

• The first things people usually notice about me

The fact that the word "thing" has been made plural in that sentence makes me suspect that I am more or less supposed to make either a crass reference to my breasts or a dreamy reference to my eyes. But I'm going to buck the system and be honest: most people don't notice me.

• Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food

I don't really know why I would fill this out. I've read enough guys' profiles to know that you probably enjoy the Terminator and Die Hard movies, any number of God-forsaken bands I can't stand ranging from Nickelback to Rammstein, SPORTS, one or more TV shows with lots of female frontal nudity (Californication, The Tudors, Boobs McGee: Private Detective,...), and steak. You are all so original. In the unlikely event that you remembered to mention a book, it will have some cringe-inducing title regarding the length of your workweek, the location of your cheese, or how you're gonna be Six Sigma Certified in NO TIME! Or it will be something by Ayn Rand, in which case DO NOT CONTACT ME OR SO HELP ME YOU WILL REGRET IT...

And of course, you don't really care what I like. This section only exists so we can look for commonalities. So have a look: I like The Bell Jar, Catch-22, A Prayer for Owen Meany, and Robert Harris's Imperium, which I'm currently reading and quite like. You've never heard of any of the TV shows I like, because they all originated in the UK. The last movie I saw in the theater was Potiche. I like a lot of music you routinely make fun of, like Tori Amos, Björk, and Imogen Heap. Oh, and I'm a vegetarian, which is something else you'll mock me about while thinking you are hilarious.

• The six things I could never do without

1. Regular appointments with a mental health professional
2. Facebook birthday reminders

3. MY CREDIT CARD
4. Scratch-off lotto tickets

5. My copy of The Rules

6. A package of rotting mushrooms shoved way in the back of my fridge. I don't know why, but I keep buying them. So I must need them.

• I spend a lot of time thinking about

How long I have to wait after publicly eating an entire pizza before it would be acceptable to stop pretending I'm full and start demanding frozen yogurt.

• On a typical Friday night I am

Eating an entire pizza and a Double Caramel Magnum bar in rapid succession in the privacy of my own home where no one can judge me.

• The most private thing I'm willing to admit

Yeah, right.

• I'm looking for

A relationship that starts at the 6-month mark so I don't have to do all the stupid getting-to-know-you crap. I just need someone to get the tater tots out of the oven so I don't have to keep pausing this documentary about Nazi art theft.

• You should message me if

In my experience, this is another one I shouldn't answer, because most of you don't seem to need a reason to message me. Instead, I think it would be more helpful if I told you why you shouldn't message me:

- You only have one sentence, and it's either a greeting or a comment on my appearance.

- You've already messaged me three times and I haven't answered. TAKE A DAMN HINT.

- You don't like: vegetarians, cats, liberals, "socialists", French people, English people, the proverbial Other, intellectuals, treehuggers, having a President who's smarter than you are, Apple products, cheese, pizza, Mexican food, the concept of wood sprites, public broadcasting, ketchup, Twitter, or Burberry perfumes

- You've already messaged me three times and I haven't answered. TAKE A DAMN HINT.

- You DO like: Ayn Rand (see above), the Tea Party, monster truck rallies, killing for sport, recreational arguing, subservience, CAMPING, math, Jersey Shore, or skydiving

- You are a triathlete. NO. THANK YOU.

- Your profile included 3-4 lines about how much you hate "grammar Nazi's". Feeling's mutual, pal.

- You've already messaged me three times and I haven't answered. Yes, I know that's the third time I've said it. It's irritating, RIGHT?

- You are more than 15 years my senior and you're going to try to flatter me by implying that you think I'm special because I "might" be "mature enough" to handle your awesomeness. It is your misfortune that I am "mature enough" to recognize a really lame play when I see it.