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Wildly Exaggerated: Boozy Monday #1

Monday, March 26, 2012

Boozy Monday #1

Sigh. I hate Mondays, don't you? Going back to work is such a drag, and everybody's tired and/or in a rotten mood...YECH. So today I've decided to start a new probably-not-at-all-regular feature in which I provide you with one of my favorite recipes for an alcoholic beverage with which to relax after your hard day's work! For the inaugural post, I've chosen the Big Girl Happy Drink (recipe© Clyde 2002, name© Kerri 2002)! The Big Girl Happy Drink is one of favorite drinks of all time, because it enables one to drink a hefty helping of whisky without having to make a series of hideously contorted faces! The secret lies in the spicy ginger ale which burns so much you don't even notice the burn of the whisky on your throat. As an added bonus, ginger is good for your tummy, and you're gonna need that later. So! Without further ado, here's the recipe for the Big Girl Happy Drink in the traditional 3 parts:

Part I: Safety Precautions
"It's all fun and games until someone gets emotionally devastated!" - my grandma
1. Buy yourself a cheap pay-as-you-go phone that is INCAPABLE of sending text messages.
2. Program in the contacts:
  • 5 local taxi companies
  • any free community shuttles for lushes such as yourself
  • any family or friends who would be willing to give you a ride and/or bail you out following "The Incident"
  • your favorite mental health professional
3. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to include contact information for exes, coworkers, or your boss!!!!
4. If you know yourself to be the kind of person who gets hammered and orders 50 pairs of pajama jeans off TV at 3 in the morning, you should also destroy the phone's keypad, leaving only the navigation buttons to call numbers you've already programmed in.

Congratulations! Now you have a Drinking Phone*!
*Patent Pending

5. Put your regular phone, with all its texting capabilities and dangerous contact information, in an envelope addressed to someone you can trust to send it right back to you at a safe temporal remove of 5-6 weeks, like the Dalai Lama. Then drop it in any United States Postal Service-approved outgoing mail receptacle!
6. Throw the ignition keys to all available motorized vehicles (cars, boats, motorcycles, Hoverounds, etc.) in the nearest naturally-occurring large body of water.

Part II: Mixology
"I've never SEEN someone make such a mess!" - my Home Ec teacher
7. Obtain a bottle of Maker's Mark® Handmade Premium Kentucky Bourbon Whisky. If you use anything OTHER than Maker's Mark® Handmade Premium Kentucky Bourbon Whisky then you deserve what you get! Seriously, dude, don't cheap out on me.
8. Obtain a chilled 6-pack of Blenheim Ginger Ale. Gold Cap will do you just fine, but if you have some sort of vendetta against your digestive tract, you could always spring for the Red Cap.
9. Hm. Now that I think about it, you might should've done steps 7 & 8 *before* you threw your keys in the Pacific. My bad!
10. Get a massive glass and pour the two liquids in it until you've reached your personal optimum combination for maximum whisky with minimum discomfort.

Part III: Benediction
Now that we have made our drinks, let us give thanks with The Drunkard's Prayer, which our friend Amy Hernandez taught us to pray one time when recounting the story of her harrowing walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Inebriated Pedestriating, shouting:


Amen. And cheers :)



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