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Wildly Exaggerated: SWF Seeks SEWVUV

Saturday, October 1, 2011


Ugh. The single life. Regular readers (both of them ) will recall my many previous posts about my online dating experiences, and will probably be relieved to hear that I deactivated my profile last month after an escalating series of messages from some random weirdo. But "random weirdo" is not a very nice term to use, so I'll let you read our paraphrased conversation and judge for yourselves:
HIM (mid-June): Hi! You're pretty. Where do you do improv?
HIM (2 days later): Just bored at work so I thought I'd drop you a line. Send me a message!
HIM (early July): What's up?
HIM (one week later): I heard a funny joke today I thought you'd like. Chat me and I'll tell you
HIM (late August): We should meet up sometime.
ME: (cancels subscription to service)

So I had given up on finding love, and I've only grown more hopeless in the past week as I've learned that two of my celebrity crushes are Libras* (UGH!) and one of them is quite possibly gay.

Let's just say I've been working on my fantasy Golden Girls roommate roster and checking out retirement communities in Miami. Acceptance is the first step.

But then CNN ran a story about 5 great train rides for viewing fall foliage. CURSE YOU, CNN!
C'mon Great Smoky Mountain Railroad! You're killing me here!
I know they say that in the springtime a young man's thoughts turn to bikinis and foot fetishes or whatever, but I tend to be much more relationship-oriented in the fall than any other season. And I know some people say Christmas is the time of year when single people pine for companionship, but those people have never spent 2 weeks deadlocked in a fight to the death over whose family gets Christmas day and whose family gets stuck with the day after. Hell, if I ever do end up in a relationship again, we're going to be on a break from December 1 to December 30 every year. I simply cannot spend yet another Yuletide screaming "All I want for Christmas is MY LIFE BACK!" But I digress.

Fall is nice because there aren't any designated days that make you a horrible child if you don't spend them with your family, the weather's cool enough to warrant snuggly behavior, and it's a low-cost/low-traffic time for weekend getaways. I have many a fond autumn memory of Chattanooga, Athens, Helen, and even the beach...bundling up, exploring the scenery, drinking apple cider, eating in nice restaurants, staying in fancy B&Bs...and not paying for any of it!

OK, hang on - before you start calling me a gold digger, hear me out. It's not just about freeloading fun fall activities. Believe it or not, there are guys I could con into buying me things this very second if I wanted to, but that's not my deal. Half the fun is the companionship, and I'm extremely picky about guys - ask any of my exes. I also tend to be on the defensive when I first meet prowling boys, just because I know they can't be trusted. So if some random guy walked up to me and said, "Hey, d'you wanna ride the Great Smoky Mountain Railroad though Nantahala Gorge?", I'd pepper spray first and ask questions later. But if you've already got someone whose company you enjoy, and you want to spend hours and hours staring out a train window with them...c'mon, it's the icing on the cake if it's free.

It's just that getting to that point in a relationship is so difficult! You have to do that whole PowerPoint presentation of who you are and where you came from and why you aren't allowed inside Hardee's anymore. Then you have to tolerate each other's friends. Then you have to decide if you can stand to watch him talk with his mouth full of pizza for as long as you both shall live. Then you have to guess exactly what his mother will hate about you and try to fix it (or at least cover it up) before you meet her. Then you have to pretend to enjoy Dune or Star Wars or baseball... It's a whole THING. All that just so you can get on a damn train and quietly drink some coffee while looking out a window together!

Screw it. Maybe they'll let me bring my cat.

*As my wise friend C once said, "Never date a Libra. Libras are criers. It's exhausting."

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