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NVNQ: Is it not me, but you or not you, but me?

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Wildly Exaggerated: NVNQ: Is it not me, but you or not you, but me?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

NVNQ: Is it not me, but you or not you, but me?

Breakups are always difficult, whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. You lose your free meal ticket, you have no one to watch TV with, and worst of all: no more built-in designated driver. But the dumpee does have one unique issue to grapple with: the question of whether it's his or her own fault they got dumped. We've all had the sleepless nights where we stare at the ceiling and wonder where, or indeed if, we went wrong. Fortunately I've devised this quick quiz, based on years and years of unsuccessful relationships, to help you sort it out.

1. How often did you tell your partner how you felt, in explicit, vivid language?
a) daily
b) weekly
c) every time I had gas
d) once when I was drunk

2. When watching TV with your partner, where did you sit?
a) in his lap
b) closely snuggled up on the couch with a glass of wine
c) in the next room, where I couldn't hear her breathing all the damn time
d) in the closet, where his wife wouldn't see me

3. How did you and your partner resolve conflicts?
a) by way of rational, feelings-based communication, sometimes with the help of a counselor
b) as calmly and quietly as possible, once the police left
c) cage match
d) I dunno. I just left immediately.

4. When your partner was out of town, how did you entertain yourself?
a) by writing poems and emails to my partner
b) reading, catching up with friends
c) 2 words: porn marathon
d) no idea; I was blackout drunk for the whole relationship

5. Did you get along with your partner's family?
a) absolutely! I shopped with mom, golfed with dad, scheduled regular spa days with sis...
b) for the most part.
c) hell yeah! I got along REALLY well with her sister, if you know what I mean! High five!
d) nah. They were in a different cell block, so I never met 'em.

6. Did you ever struggle with jealousy in your relationship?
a) all the time. Not trying to be unreasonable, but that checkout girl was SO after my man!
b) All of my exes died mysteriously shortly after we met, so it was never an issue.
c) nope. We just cheated on each other every time to even the score.
d) nope. She was locked in the basement. Jealousy problems resolved!

SCORING: The moment of truth! Is it you, or is it them?
Mostly A: It's you, you clingy psycho.
Mostly B: It's you. You aren't ready for this jelly. 
Mostly C: It's you, you insensitive jerk.
Mostly D: It's you, you thoughtless moron.

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