Not Very Nice Quiz: Are You a Brick Wall?

It's the not-at-all eagerly awaited return of the Not Very Nice Quiz! Today, we will be conducting an in-depth psychological test to determine whether or not you (yes, YOU!) are a brick wall. Enjoy!

1. You've decided to raise money for herpes awareness by swimming through shark-infested waters in a replica of Lady Gaga's meat dress! You tell 3 different friends, and each of them has the same reaction: "That is in the top 1 worst ideas I've ever heard." How do you respond?
a) My life coach said I'd face naysayers like you. Dream killer!
b) Wow, you guys are so jealous. Seriously, it's pathetic.
c) You really think so? Can you maybe explain why you think it's a bad idea?
d) I'm so glad you agree about what a great idea it is! Thanks for supporting me.

2. You met the GREATEST GUY on vacation in South America! He's cute, young, foreign, and rich! You mass-email your friends to tell them all about it, and one of them writes back suggesting you Google him IMMEDIATELY. Something about a girl who disappeared in Aruba or whatever. What's your next step?
a) Roll your eyes. She's so bitter about relationships; she's probably got him confused with a different Joran Van der Sloot.
b) Google him! Your friend has your best interests at heart and...OMG! He looks so hot in these pics!
c) Google him, freak out, thank your friend, call the cops, and GO HOME immediately.
d) Terminate the friendship. If she can't be happy for you, then she's not a real friend anyway.

3. It's Christmas vacation time!!! Hooray! As you go to board your flight home, the gate agent informs you that your carry-on bag is far too large and will have to be checked. Whose fault is this?
a) the gate agent! What a bitch! Why can't she just be cool and let you get on the freakin' plane?
b) the ticketing agent. You were standing right in front of her with that bag! If it's so far outside the acceptable size range, why didn't she say something then and save you this hassle at the gate?
c) you hate to say it, but...it's yours. You had plenty of chances to check the size of the bag. You could've asked any number of people at the airport.
d) who cares? This bag WILL be coming on the plane with you. It's not about assigning blame, it's about finding the right person to scream at to get your way.

4. Is anthropocentric climate change real?
a) No. I haven't really looked into it, but Glenn Beck says it's fake, which is good enough for me!
b) Um, I think you'll find that climate change, like Santa Claus, is a theory, not a fact! Duh.
c) Probably. Modern science requires a HUGE quantity of data to say anything for certain, but most scientists who aren't on retainer with Exxon agree that it's real. And even if we aren't 100% sure, we should take the steps to curb it anyway. Surely nothing but good can come of diversifying our energy sources and doing what we can to keep our air and water clean, right?
d) No because it snowed in Alaska last week. SO MUCH FOR SO-CALLED "CLIMATE CHANGE"!

5. Oh noes! Your job is being eliminated due to outsourcing! Whose fault is this?
a) Your stupid dumb boss who didn't fight hard enough to save your job. What a jerk!
b) Damn foreigners.
c) It's a complex issue which reaches far beyond your own company and into the most basic laws regarding corporate behavior in the United States, including but not limited to the very concept of the fiduciary duty to shareholders. Bottom line: no one is going to reverse any of this in time for you to keep your job, so best to just get on with the search for a new position!
d) OBAMA (if you're a Republican) or BUSH (if you're a Democrat)

SCORING:
Mostly A: Yeeeeaaah. You need to work on looking beyond what you want something to mean and seek out some objective reality.
Mostly B: You're not really a brick wall, but you tend to only get halfway to the truth of the matter. Just try to ask a few more questions and dig a little deeper.
Mostly C: You aren't a brick wall, but you already knew that, since you have at least some superficial contact with the real world.
Mostly D: Yes you are. No really, you ARE. ARE YOU READING THIS? DON'T STOP READING JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT! HELLO? ARE YOU STILL THERE? Crap.

NVNQ: Is it not me, but you or not you, but me?

Breakups are always difficult, whether you're the dumper or the dumpee. You lose your free meal ticket, you have no one to watch TV with, and worst of all: no more built-in designated driver. But the dumpee does have one unique issue to grapple with: the question of whether it's his or her own fault they got dumped. We've all had the sleepless nights where we stare at the ceiling and wonder where, or indeed if, we went wrong. Fortunately I've devised this quick quiz, based on years and years of unsuccessful relationships, to help you sort it out.

1. How often did you tell your partner how you felt, in explicit, vivid language?

a) daily

b) weekly

c) every time I had gas

d) once when I was drunk

2. When watching TV with your partner, where did you sit?

a) in his lap

b) closely snuggled up on the couch with a glass of wine

c) in the next room, where I couldn't hear her breathing all the damn time

d) in the closet, where his wife wouldn't see me

3. How did you and your partner resolve conflicts?

a) by way of rational, feelings-based communication, sometimes with the help of a counselor

b) as calmly and quietly as possible, once the police left

c) cage match

d) I dunno. I just left immediately.

4. When your partner was out of town, how did you entertain yourself?

a) by writing poems and emails to my partner

b) reading, catching up with friends

c) 2 words: porn marathon

d) no idea; I was blackout drunk for the whole relationship

5. Did you get along with your partner's family?

a) absolutely! I shopped with mom, golfed with dad, scheduled regular spa days with sis...

b) for the most part.

c) hell yeah! I got along REALLY well with her sister, if you know what I mean! High five!

d) nah. They were in a different cell block, so I never met 'em.

6. Did you ever struggle with jealousy in your relationship?

a) all the time. Not trying to be unreasonable, but that checkout girl was SO after my man!

b) All of my exes died mysteriously shortly after we met, so it was never an issue.

c) nope. We just cheated on each other every time to even the score.

d) nope. She was locked in the basement. Jealousy problems resolved!

SCORING: The moment of truth! Is it you, or is it them?

Mostly A: It's you, you clingy psycho.

Mostly B: It's you. You aren't ready for this jelly. 

Mostly C: It's you, you insensitive jerk.
Mostly D: It's you, you thoughtless moron.

Not Very Nice Quiz: What Kind of Employee Are You?

1. When you get a work-related email at work, how do you react?

a) read it silently, then mutter cusswords at the shit-for-brains who sent it

b) announce to everyone within earshot that you got an email, who it's from, what it says, and how you feel about that

c) start shouting for someone's attention so you can say "Guess who just sent me an email"

d) a what now? Do you mean a "phone call"?

2. You see that a coworker has Facebook up on her monitor. You:

a) feel better about the 45 minutes you just spent on Gmail

b) make a silent note to tell on her when the boss gets back

c) ask her to help you figure out how to change your profile picture

d) ask her to help you figure out how to get on the internet

3. One of your coworkers is having issues with Adobe Acrobat - it keeps trying to save things as .prg files! The boss has asked you to see if you can help. What's step #1?

a) ask your coworker what she's already tried and if she's consulted the Adobe website for possible solutions

b) start to help her out, but end up telling her a 30-minute story about this guy you met at the club instead

c) tell her how cute it is that "Adobe" sounds kind of like "Bartholomew" which, yes, is TOTALLY WHAT YOU'RE NAMING YOUR BABY THANKS FOR ASKING!!!!

d) wow her by spouting your best solutions. Has she tried "right-clicking"? With the "mouse"?

4. Yikes! The CEO has demanded that everyone in the whole company come to the conference room for a standing-room-only meeting! HR is walking around making sure all cell phones are OFF so information can't leave the room. This doesn't look good. How do you handle it?

a) check out the available dudes. The company is FINALLY parading every single man it has to offer in front of you!

b) hide out in a corner so you can talk endlessly the whole time

c) find a seat on a countertop - it's not good for pregnant ladies to stand for long

d) get in the middle of the crowd and then start loudly commenting on the fact that someone smells like BO

5. You're no pop culture expert, but you're pretty sure your new catchphrase "stop it!" is HILARIOUS. What's your strategy to get it incorporated into the lexicon ASAP?

a) deal with it in your off-hours. These people are NOT the target market anyway.

b) tell EVERYONE to "stop it!" ALL THE TIME! REFUSE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE, REGARDLESS OF CONTEXT! "STOP IT!!!"

c) catchphrases? You don't invent those. You just jump on everyone else's!

d) try to insert it into conversation whenever appropriate, but fail to correctly identify "appropriate".

6. Someone somewhere in the world had a baby one time, and someone else told a story about it. How do you participate in the conversation?

a) YOU DON'T. Headphones on! Head down! Volume up!

b) STOP IT!

c) orchestrate the conversation such that all involved parties are huddled around your desk to hear your wisdom on the subject. After all, you once shoved one of those suckers through your vagina - who's gonna know more than you?

d) it doesn't matter how you get involved, but get involved! If you don't, there's a very real risk that you might end up doing some actual work!

SCORING:

Mostly A: Anti-social brown-noser! Congratulations! You may not have any work friends, but at least you have work.

Mostly B: You're the backstabbing gossip! "Stop it!"

Mostly C: Awwww, bless your heart.

Mostly D: It's OK; a lot of people don't understand how computers work.